“FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that the entire manpower of his increasingly disillusioned agency has been diverted into a massive nationwide search for some semblance of genuine, concrete truth,” The Onion reports. “ ‘After years of investigating all the things people do to one another, from murder to mail fraud, every agent at the bureau’s disposal has been reassigned to track down something — anything—that could still be considered pure and true,’ the world-weary Mueller said. ‘If some inkling of truth is out there, the FBI will find it.’ The existential hunt, under way across all 50 states, is the largest initiative launched by the FBI to date. So far, nearly 8,000 federal agents have been mobilized to search for the intangible concept, with several units being deployed to watch the setting sun, walk barefoot through fields of grass, and ‘listen — truly listen’ to the laughter of children in hopes of tracking it down.” See, also, an Onion Interactive Graphic: “How Do Drugs Cross The Border?” Source: CQ Homeland Security
